apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
