have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
