Pants 0. Shit 1.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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