You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
