I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
