sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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