You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
