my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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