What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
