Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
