Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
