Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
