Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
