I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
