I can text with my tongue
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
