You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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