well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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