I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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