I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
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don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos