You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first