worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting