Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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