I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize