You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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