If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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