i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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