i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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