The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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