So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Alive.
So much puke
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
