I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
