Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
