I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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