whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
