96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
