Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
