sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
