You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
