I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
