I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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