Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
