After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
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The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit