There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
