well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
