If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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