So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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