I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I look better un-naked...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
