Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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