Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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