So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
