made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
