I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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