Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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