Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
