Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
