she was so not down for the gang bang
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
